My person

The canvas painting that hung on the only white wall of my house was tilted down so as a vertical illustration to appear horizontal. The canvas was mischievously covered with unsettling splashes of colours connoting a damsel in distress. It has been that way since I hung it the first time. Its poignant manifestation always caught my eye. I zoned out. I could only see that disturbing painting while gently feeling a push forward. It was as if its perplexed implication was somehow pulling my subconscious to its core like a magnet. I felt like I am walking towards it with hopelessly looking for something which I could not interpret at all. Everything felt futile. It felt like the abolishment of my elements. I knew I have to come out of it before it drowns me deep inside. I could feel the force trying to lift me apart but I was paralysed. I could not move. I was deprived by this midway feeling. No sooner I was on the verge of giving up than my sanity pulled me out of the mind games with a giant bolt bringing me back to the ground. It was astonishing, losing my shit while being in the middle of something. I was so giddy that I wanted to cry but I started laughing like a maniac. My anguish had turned me into something that even the universe was failing to figure out. My malice won’t let me shed tears and my sanity could only come up with bolsters of wicked laughter. What was it? I was happily married to a wonderful man and a mother of two beautiful girls. The perfect family didn’t seem fit for the absurd figures in my head. I managed to balance my home and my career. Then what was it? Despair came to me as fast as anxiety hits our happiness. It was now three months since that happened. Since my best friend died while I watched her trying to hold on to her last breaths. It was an accident. These things happen out of the moment. Nobody can ever be ready for this, right? While in that moment I think I died too. She was my best friend. My best everything. We moved together, lived together, changed our babies' diapers together and even had everything together. She was my better half. She was my everything. She cleaned out my pukes from hard-drinking. She cleaned out my tears from hard-hitting. She cleaned out my mess from hard-everything. She was the one thing I relied on completely. She was the one person I told everything. Just one. It was us against the world. No matter who I whored or who I loved, she was the same to me. I had been in love so hardcore so many times but still she was the one person who felt like home. Even when we were finally settled and had kids, she would still come first and she will forever be. Sisters before misters! I used to be out-of-air happy when we used to be together. No one could stand up to that ever. She held me, she slapped me, she made me laugh, she was the reason behind my tears but she was the one who got me, man. Everything came back to her. Not even my husband. She was my person. My very own person and she died, just like that. How do you move on from that? Do you at all move on from that? In the 5 years of my marriage, I never felt such pain. Everything was just sinking down. I felt like my eyes gave up, they shut completely. I felt my ears go numb, they closed completely. I felt my lips were sawn, they sealed completely. What made me 'me' just went down the drain. Sometimes I felt every feeling at the same time. Everything and sometimes people thought I was brain dead. Tears won't come to me. All I felt was either pain or nothing at all. I was no human to anyone. I was just so in pain even my brain couldn’t bear that much of grievous gravity. I was shadow-less. I felt naked all the time. I was just in so much pain. She sucked the life out of me. My best friend just left me to deal with life all alone. Never in our countless dramas and fights had I thought that she’d leave me ever. But she did. Nobody around me could understand this. Everyone accused me of many merciless things unabashedly. All they knew that 'there’s not a thing that leaves you in such distress. And you are mourning like a widow for a friend?' I felt pity for the world. How do you move on from that? She was Cristina to my Meredith, Rachel to my Monica, lime to my tequila and ice-cream to my dramas. She was never supposed to die on me. All this time, I was just staring at that hideous canvas that impeccably portrayed my life without her. It breathed deep into my soul and lacerated apathetically. Even after all this time, I could only think one thing, ‘How do you move on from that?’ Tell me, do you have such a friend who is everything to you, who made you your wonderful world and she just disappears into thin air, what would you do?