To be or not to be!

I had dozed off in my solid, upright, comfy-as-a-bed-of-pillows Burgundy armchair that rests in the corner of my home's largest window which brings the freshest air it can find. Up to my bedroom and straight down to the dining area, there's this passage that is always cold, optimum light and this window with my armchair. Obviously, my favourite part of the house. Quiet and always uninterrupted. It was quarter to 2 am, my head was hanging down from one of the wrists of the chair and feet from the other. I had the book that I was indulging in folded upside down on my stomach. I had kept the window open for the soothing breezes. I woke up to the buzzing sound of my phone. It was of Instagram popping out.

My girlfriends were discussing a hangout with all the husbands for a cliche get-to-know-each-other thing. I groaned and poured myself another peg of Vodka on the rocks. I was being ignorant and I was pissed at the idea of this union. I mean, of course, I wanted to see my friends but why the husbands I thought. Each of my friends looked happily married but it always bugged me when it came to each others' better halves. It reminds me of all the changes that took place and God I hate change, any kind of. I just hate it. Getting each of one us hitched was painful enough and this get-together was adding more fuel to the fire. Especially my own marriage. I was just recently married. I had been living with the guy for almost 2 years and society forced us to get it legalized.

Oh, we were a happy couple. An impeccable match for 'made in heaven' and an epitome for the 'meant for each other'. He was good at everything. He was punctual, sane, mature, sensible, crazy, practical and brutal too if needed. I am shabby, bad-mouthed, loud thinker, too outspoken, ambivert. I believe in balance, equality, righteousness, freedom of one's rights, etc. We were literally the perfect couple as long as we gave each other the space to breathe. We did not want a stamp on our relationship for we knew it comes with certain restrictions and rules that we'd have to abide by. Who could dodge the fate bullet though? So yeah, here we are now, 8 months into our marriage and already looking doomed.

We were happy initially, we had to adjust to many things but everything was working out.  I mean no matter what happens, I was convinced that he is the one. People say there is no love like the first one; it always remains special. And so I believed it until he came into my life and revitalized the gloomy spirit of being in love. After a reasonable amount of setbacks, I kinda drew myself out of such feelings and concentrated on self-love. But he was something different. His love for me was not limited just up to me. It used to go beyond the boundaries of my imagination. Ours wasn't a vanilla relationship. I fell in love with him for he inspired me like no one else, not even my regular excess caffeine. He never made me or himself chase each other because he made damn sure that we'd stay. I fell in love with the freedom he brought with our relationship as I was already paranoid about being caged. He made me go down the tunnel of my darkest emotions and confront them. He inspired me to be a better person and let go of my inferiority. He motivated me to treat my limitations a full stop and made me go beyond them. He tracked down my bucket list of emotional fatigue and had me make peace with the ones who were long gone. I run away when I get punched in the face. Reconciling has never been my forte. But he brought back the forgotten joy of my life. For him, it wasn't just about me or us, it was about what we are made of and embrace our true nature. It was literally a soul-connection. His influence over me was infectious. He made my wisdom go high and gave my insanity the ground to reside on.

Even when it all seemed pretty worked up, I still wonder how it all went down the drain. Like someone has whittled the soul out of my body. For the roots that our relationship is bound to, we are still living in the same house, leading two different lives. I often wonder if its the marriage that has decayed our bond or if its who we are. Even after pursuing something so magical, how is it even remotely possible that we are now nothing but apart, nothing but strangers, nothing but a miss-connection. I have hated confrontation. I don't always quite feel the urge to communicate my feelings. Instead, I just assume and overthink and have anxiety attacks. Even when I feel immensely inspired by him, I still fail to reciprocate with words. It just doesn't come out of my heart. Maybe he is trying to teach me how communication is the key to every relationship.

I put my glass of chilled Vodka aside as I have an epiphany. He has gone the farthest corners and this may be his new threshold. He may be acting as the one who broke my heart but in reality, I am the one to do so. He has not made an effort for it will make me feel like a monster. Maybe he is sleeping inside hoping that I would solve the puzzle of his silence and fly back to him. I open the window to grasp bursts of chilly wind. I realise that I may sit here wondering his maybes or I go to him and just simply communicate. I sit here wondering my marriage isn't in fact doomed or I go to him and fix it with a seal. I sit here wondering about the changes my life had to undergo or I go to him and accept it for once and all. I sit here wondering if it will bring back the old flame or I go to him and ignite the passion as it consumes us overnight.

Life is not about wondering or maybes, it is about the actions we take, words we speak, feelings we reciprocate and emotions we understand. Waiting for the right time will lead you nowhere but making every time right will at least get you started. I get up from the chair, tears rolling down my cheeks. I smile briefly as I take one last sip of my Vodka and I head up to the guest room where he is still sleeping soundly. I open the door with a strong feeling of waking him up and save the ship from sinking. But he looks so peaceful, and that is when I realised that he already knew this was going to happen one day. That is why even when I felt like surviving a tornado, he still looked serene as ever. That is when I again realised he is the one and he sure as hell isn't going anywhere even if the ship literally sinks. That was the moment of truth and I don't think if I have ever loved him more.