From my heart to yours!

A year ago we all were in an unprecedented situation. Everything was wide shut, from going to work to unattended plans to prolonged to-dos to messed-up life. A typical laid out day turned to a window of opportunities. Many of us had no idea what to do with this uninvited, unasked for 'nothingness'. Especially those people who had long lists of achieving versatility once they get a bit of free time. People were buried under the massive pressure of miserable private and professional life. Many of us were exhilarated by the idea of spending a month or two with family and many were being forced into it. Not everyone's family is perfect you know! Correction - Not one family is perfect! However it was though, with many entertainments like thali bajana and diya lagana, we got through the lockdown. 

And just like that when people thought everything is over, COVID 2.0 smashed us with a hard-hitting entry. Here we are, paying an innumerable price of underestimating a virus that originated in China. Things were starting to get back on track though. For people who were looking forward to getting back to their life, this stepback is worse than hell. Because no matter how difficult it was, in the first lockdown, many convinced themselves that that was all temporary and better days are gonna come soon. People like me who were dying to see their friends were getting on one day at a time. And now, COVID is like, Oh wait no, you actually thought that I was gonna leave you this soon, well the joke's on you bitch! Where are we supposed to go now? 

I cannot begin to tell you how badly I was looking forward to getting back to Pune and see my friends at once. Yeah, I spent some really quality days with the fam but oh no I don't want to do this every day! I want to get up on time in the morning, have a cup of tea and go to work. I want to plan for the coming weekend and build up my excitement to go crazy with my friends. I want to chug 4 pints of beer and call up a friend in the middle of the night and cry over my sad and lonely life. I want to blow off some steam by kissing strangers on extremely poorly thought, instant nightouts. I want to throw a kick-ass house party and dance like nobody's watching. I want to go on breakfast dates with my girls and sleep naked in my bed. I want to stay up all night and talk about life with that one special person. But I can't do that anymore now, can I? 

I have been struggling to stay home any longer than I had imagined. I like to stay in my own little bubble and shine once in a while. All my friends value friendship more than anything and luckily the people I live with don't have their significant others yet. So I think we all have been our priorities since I can remember. Your surrounding affects you more than you can comprehend!  At home, wherever I look, everyone has got someone. People I know are either getting engaged or are already married. My house is no different! All this is making me feel very lonely. Because I am far away from my friends and because not everything can be done over a phone call, I am struggling to keep up. Some nights are easy, some just don't pass. Never once I felt the need of having someone in my life as much as I feel it now. I mean every day and night, I have this incessant need of having someone just to feel alive is causing me heart-wrenching pain. 

I cannot contemplate this feeling. I feel pathetic. I am tired of crying alone in the night over and over. I yearn for compassion. I long for having someone to hold me while I wash away this chest-freezing feeling. Every night, I wish to be with my friends, I wish to be with someone who will listen to all my tears and wipe them with a warm embrace. I actually had someone like this at home in the early days of the pandemic but it blew off in no time. That is why it is so easy for this clingy, annoying feeling to take over me like I am nothing. I used to be strong. I am strong but I don't know where things are going wrong. I hate the fact that a phone call is all I have got no matter how much the situation worsens. 

I am trying to figure out what it exactly is that I have been looking for. Is it wanting to have someone special or is it just because I miss my friends so disastrously. As far as I remember, whenever I used to be around someone with whom I can speak from the heart, I've never felt anything monumental like this. Looking around, I ain't got any such luck. I mean what does it take to just listen to the miserable person and not question the feelings underneath. Why is it so hard to offer a hug or even a shoulder to take it all out?! Is it too much to ask for? I think so, 'cause at this moment if I am writing down all this, then I ain't got nobody, do I? And then there comes the traumatic explosion; I mean the heart is just a muscle, what all it can afford man!

I have been analysing my pattern of bitchiness, clinginess, dead-insideness and just being me-ness. I am beginning to understand that all I need is a listener. Someone who would just listen to my woes and let me be. Someone who understands my silence and looks beyond my anger. It is not wrong what I want, it is wrong from whom I want it though! I have been looking for the right things but in the wrong people. It is not wrong to want to have someone but if you are looking in the wrong direction, man it's going to get you. And when you are in the middle of something like this, even your most valued passions will eventually wire you in the profound feeling of loneliness.