I am home

Has anyone ever asked you what home means to you? When you long for home, what does it really mean? When after having a gruesome day at work, your only wish is to return home and suffocate yourself with a thousand pillows. Don't you often feel homesick even when you're already home? Like you could be having the time of your life yet there is this void that annoyingly reminds you of home? Like in the cafeteria, when you're having a sandwich for lunch but what you really want is dal chawal? When it's pouring outside and you're safe in your car but deep down all you wish is to dance in the rain like you used to back home? 

I used to think home must mean a million different things to everyone. Its ambiguity knows no bounds yet the core feeling can be mutual. When you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and a flashback starts running with random snippets from your beloved memories; No matter how stressed, or frustrated you'd be, it vanishes within a moment. An extraordinary range of emotions, isn't it? So frequently we pass our days, filled with despair, disappointment & heavy hearts yet the minute you lay back in your chair & think of home, the weight of anguish relinquishes itself. For me, or maybe for everybody, this feeling takes you to different places each time; most of the time, it isn't even your home. I think it's more to do with the people we miss than the places. For me, it's always been people and then sometimes places played a nice additional touch.

For me, this time, and every other time when I thought of home, it was my folks, my friends, my hearts & souls. Meeting them, breathing around them, hearing their minds without any words, letting go in front of them, holding them, & berating them; oh it meant the world to me. It felt like I finally came out of the closet; a closet of self-loathing, soul-sucking duties & obligations, and constant cycles of depression & anxiety. It had been a while since we last saw each other, all of us. Technology may have advanced our lives but it cannot outgrow our emotions and the infectious need to see our people. So this time when I met them I wanted my lungs to run out of oxygen so that I wouldn't have to live another day without their presence around. 

Despite each other's traits, toxic & healthy ones, I couldn't get enough of our time together. It was perfect. We hung out the whole weekend at what literally is my second home, our adda. If I murder someone, torture myself, bring shame to all those who matter, or maybe just need to be hidden, if an apocalypse wipes out everything, our adda will still always be the first place I would go to. From deciding our next trip to dining with wines, from a lazy morning of Misal Pav to a sumptuous meal of sourdough & omelettes, from catching up on each other's family dramas to dancing around only in t-shirts, from heartful one-on-one conversations to admiring each other's choices of suffering, from a mind-blowingly stunning thriller movie marathon to ending it all with a heart-warming dal chawal dinner; it was just the way it always used to be when we all lived together. I couldn't get enough of it.

I used to think things change, better or worse, when everybody sails ahead with their settlement affairs; and truly they do. Every thought that would seldom become a reality in your imagination does shatter the illusion. The soaring flames of your passion succumb to survive an eon of dreadful tomorrows. But this time, a different perspective prevailed in this mundanity. We are so focused on what doesn't work that we habitually forget to acknowledge what in fact does work. I realized this time our time together couldn't have been possible if it wasn't for everyone's strongest desire to see each other. The power that mutually existed and unknowingly weaved us in a common thread took over and made it happen. It felt like it was meant to be. This feeling, these roots, this attraction, love, and respect towards each other is what keeps us all together in the same boat even today. This impact is gigantic and yet till now, I was completely unaware of it. 

It is said that we are slaves to our emotions. In many cases, this will drown you for good but in such rare cases, this is what saves you from yourself. Truly, this feeling is not only magical it is moving. Whenever I hit the bottom, or wouldn't understand my anger, or give in to my pain or lead a life that's keeping me alive but doesn't let me live, this is where I'll be. This beautiful & magnanimous feeling, this power, this infinite emotion would set me back to where I belong. This will forever be a dimensionless spot that will speak for the kind of love I am capable of. It is entirely different from any epic love I may ever experience as it is as much within me as I am within it.